March 2001 Jokes of the
Week |
Week 1
Baked
Beans
Contributed by BV
Once upon a time there lived a woman
who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had
always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love.
When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is
such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way
home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him
that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor
of the baked
beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that
she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the
diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she
could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He
then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as
he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her
promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still
affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was
out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front
of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked
cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the
other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells
signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin,
placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him
that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she
was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner
guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
Week 2
Working Man Blues
Contributed by
iamaloyalfan
Working Man Blues:
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned
... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
...they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because
...it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that
...was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but
...I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just
...didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
...couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found
...I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I
..didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I
...just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
...couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I
...tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was
...just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I
...wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I
...wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I
...was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I
realized there was
...no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it
...was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!"
Week 3
To The Source
Contributed by
David L.
The Indians asked their Chief
in autumn, "Chief, is this coming Winter going to be mild or cold?"
Not really knowing an answer, and knowing it was better to err on the side of
preparedness, the chief replied, "It is uncertain at this time, but we should begin
to prepare just in case. Collect wood as if it is going to be cold, and I'll see what
more I can learn."
Being a good leader, he then went to the phone and called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is this winter going to be mild or cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A
week later, he again called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a
cold winter?"
"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be an extremely cold
Winter. The Indians are collecting all the wood they can find!"
Week 4
My
mother is better
Contributed by B. H. Chee
Two little boys were arguing.
"My father is better
than your father!"
"No he's not!"
"My brother is better
than your brother!"
"No he's not!"
"My mother is better
than your mother!"
The second boy paused.
"Well I guess you've got
me there. My father says the same thing." |
