Week 1
A guy dials his home phone from work. A
strange woman answers.
Guy : "Who is this?"
Maid : "This is the maid.", answered the woman.
Guy : "We don't have a maid!"
Maid : "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
Guy : "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
Maid : "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."
The guy is fuming.
Guy : "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
Maid : "What do I have to do?"
Guy : "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that
witch and the jerk she
is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two
gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone.
Maid : "What should I do with the bodies?"
Guy : "Throw them in the swimming pool!"
Maid : "What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause...
Guy : "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"
Maid : "No..."
Guy : "Oh... Sorry... Wrong number..."
Week 2
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog
for a walk around the block?" Her mom says, "No, because the dog is in
heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the
garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked mom but
she said the dog was in heat and that should ask you."
Her dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a
rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "OK, you
can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a while later with no dog
on the leash. Her dad said, "Where's Susie?"
The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about
halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."
Week 3
A blonde got a job with the
Public Works Department. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The
supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set
average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and
starts right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found the blonde had
completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average!!
"Great," he told her,
"I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was
disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought,
"Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just
keep quiet."
The third day however the
blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this
gets any worse."
The boss pulled the new
employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the
second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An
injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"
The blonde replied, "Well,
each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."
Week 4
Porsche 911 Twin Turbo & Moped
A very self-important young man goes out and buys what he believes is the best car
available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in
the world.
That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old
man on a mo-ped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks
over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there,
sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me $100,000."
"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost so
much?"
"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.
The mo-ped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his mo-ped,
the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can
do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he
notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to
see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much
faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?" the young man
asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by
again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the
mo-ped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a mo-ped outrun a Porsche 911
Turbo?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the
back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man! Of course, the mo-ped and the
old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt
bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror,
please." |
